A Heart’s Curtain Call (A Short Story) by Martina Guidote

Estelle. A female name meaning star in Latin. 

– Just like a star, I fancy standing out and shining the brightest.

Sunday, 5th of December.

The weather hasn’t been so nice to me lately.

 Tonight is my third attempt to search for Sirius using the gigantic telescope I got for my birthday last Thursday. In case you haven’t heard of Sirius, allow me to introduce to you the brightest star in the night sky. I always loved looking at it from inside my window before going to bed. I’ve been trying to view it up close, but once again, no stars can be seen because of the grey clouds hovering across the sky. 

Looking back, I can’t recall the first time I took an interest in astronomy. For as long as I could remember, I’ve felt a certain connection between me and the blanket of stars stretching out in the atmosphere. Don’t you find it funny that despite having an infinite number of stars in the galaxy, each and every ball of gas still continues to gleam as bright as they can, even if others outshine them. Boy, if I were a star, I wouldn’t want to be part of the common and unnamed ones. I want to be the one that humans would first spot when they look up in the dark sky. The one that people will choose to search for among all the celestial bodies of the universe. A star like Sirius, the star that surpasses all the light and brightness of its kind. 

Shoot, it’s getting late. Unfortunately, it’s a MONDAY tomorrow, so I better get some rest. I swear, why are weekends only two days long? Sigh. Oh well. 

Monday, 6th of December.

Could school get any more boring?

All I can focus on is the movement of the clock’s second hand. C’mon time, move faster. Please. Three more minutes, and I’m out of here. The next few minutes take longer than they should be, but at last, the bell finally rings. I pick up my bag and greet the teacher goodbye. Speeding past the crowded hallways, the only thing I’m looking forward to right now is laying on my bed. My legs feel heavy from the countless exercises we had to do in PE class, and my mind is wiped from all the algebraic equations we were asked to solve in Mathematics. During the last period, everything our teacher said went in one ear and out of the other. In short, the day was extremely exhausting; nothing new about that. To my suprise, something suddenly catches the corner of my eye — a colorful poster put up in the middle of our announcement board. It would be the first time reading anything posted on school bulletin boards, but curiosity got the best of me, inching me closer toward the board. The poster read:

Attention:
Our annual Christmas 🎅 TALENT SHOW 🎄  is here! 

This is your chance to showcase your special talents before the year ends.

Enlistment of performers is open until 4PM on December 6 at the school office. 

The program will take place in our gymnasium on Friday, December 10.

Further details will be posted soon.

It’s your time to shine, fellow stars! ⭐

I absolutely love performing onstage. Whether it be hearing the applause after my song ends, the focusing of the spotlight on me as I step onstage, preparing my poem for hours and hours, or the way my heart beats during a dance number, I love every bit of it, and plus a trophy is not bad too. Naturally, when I saw this poster, my mind was set. There is no way I’d let this opportunity slide, for I want to experience once again the fun of performing; the butterflies you get while waiting for your turn backstage, the eyes of the audience on you as you perform, and the sense of fulfilment and elation in the end. It is currently 3:45 P.M. on my watch. Fifteen minutes left. Without a second thought, I ran to the office and had my name listed down. I'm even more out of breath than I was previously, but at least I made it on time. I consider what had just happened as a fortunate coincidence. Credits to the person who made the design of the poster so enticing, otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have checked it out. My mom was already there by the time I reached the school gate, so we hopped in the car and drove off. As I watched the trees and houses we passed, the question of what I should perform filled my mind. However, my brain was already tired, so I leaned back on my seat and closed my eyes shut. 

Tuesday, 7th of December.

Getting four hours of sleep isn’t so fun.

My mind was wide awake thinking about the upcoming talent show, but I still have no clue  on what I should perform. Singing a song feels too common and unoriginal, unless I pick a song with high notes? Or maybe I should do a fast-paced dance to keep the audience entertained? Playing an instrument is an option too, but what kind though? I want my performance to be etched in the audience’s mind and leave them astonished after watching me perform. Wait a minute…it’s a weekday. I unwillingly got out of bed and began preparing for school. 

Three more days till the talent show. I had to decide already. I find myself walking to the school library, hoping to get some sort of inspiration. The quote-of-the-day in the library said: Live up to your greatest potential. Don’t settle for less. Though I’ve heard a lot of similar sentiments, reading it made something click in my head. What if I didn’t have to choose one after all? What if I combine the three? That’s it! I’ll sing, dance, and play an instrument in one whole performance. I believe I can do it. Wait, no. I know I can do it. 

Wednesday, 8th of December.

Actions speak louder than words. 

I haven’t agreed this strongly to a single sentence in a long time. Actually following through is a lot harder than how I pictured it out to be. Yesterday, after choosing what song to perform, I spent the afternoon practicing the song, learning the chords, and creating choreography. It was tough, but that was only level one. The real challenge begins now. I keep running out of breath when I sing while dancing, and I also keep messing up the guitar picking during the interlude. How was I so confident in making this work out?

I decided to take a break to rest my body and to clear my mind. Doing something as tiring as this right after school was draining. “Estelle, you got this.” I told myself. Practice combined with motivation and interest is the secret in being able to put on an amazing performance. I learned that through my years of performing. After hydrating and taking a small snack, I finally cooled down and was ready to rehearse again. I believe that in order to do two things at the same time, you need to do one unconsciously and effortlessly. Since I’m having the most trouble with my breathing style and playing the chords, I decide to focus on these areas before putting everything together. By dinner time, I made great progress in possibly giving my best show yet. 

Thursday, 9th of December. 

The calm before the storm.

That is how I can describe my Thursday. We had free periods, no new lectures, and an early lunch break. I predict things will go downhill later, because everything about today has been a little too peaceful and calm. I finished my lunch quickly so I have enough time to do other things. The talent show is already tomorrow, so I want to make use of my time for practice. After eating and cleaning up, I bring my guitar with me and walk around the school grounds to look for a space to rehearse. While passing by the corridors, I hear music playing from the music room at the end of the hall. It sounds like a band playing together. I carefully take a peek. Their electric guitarist was so fast with his hands, and the lead singer had great vocals. From inside, I can hear someone say, “One more time, everyone. The talent show is tomorrow, and our set has to be perfect by then.” Talent show? They’re performing tomorrow?   

I am left dumbfounded. I can deny it all I want, but I know how I feel. My heart sinks and a knot forms in my stomach as many questions enter my head. Why didn’t I have that kind of voice? How can their guitarist play so well, while I’m still struggling to play a single  part of a song? I turn and go the opposite direction. I walk towards the open field and find a corner. While practicing the vocals, I realized how bad I was doing. I can’t hit the high notes as well as I thought so, especially in the bridge of the song. I make several attempts, but nothing changes. Flat note after flat note, I try my best to convince myself that my voice is just tired,  and that I should move on to playing the guitar instead. What? I can’t press on the strings hard enough when I play the bar chords. It sounds so draggy and out-of-tune.

Was it always like this? Instead of improving, it seems like I am getting worse. At this moment, I lose the motivation to even bother about improving my performance. The spark that used to shine so brightly in me faded, and I had no further intention to get on my feet and try once more. What was the point in practicing if my presentation would not be the best one out there? Even if I have planned to go back to my classroom, my feet bring me to the gymnasium. Extremely bad idea. Up there onstage, a dance group was practicing their routine, and I assume it was for the talent show tomorrow. Their movements were so smooth and synchronized. I think to myself how I could never dance like that as I felt my spirits being lowered further. I was not talented. This day proved that to me. I guess that poster wasn’t made for me after all. 

Friday, 10th of December.

Do you cry over little things too?

It was already 1:00 am. I find myself crying on my pillow, thinking about so many things. That girl who I saw singing with the band. Besides her talent, she was also so pretty. I never liked my facial features. My nose is flat, My cheeks are chubby, and my face is asymmetrical. One look in the mirror, and I am reminded of all these flaws. The dance group rehearsing on stage. Their facial expressions while dancing were so strong and natural. You can truly feel the emotions they were trying to bring through their movements. What if I end up making a fool out of myself? What if people find my performance ridiculous? “Estelle , a once shooting star, has now become a fallen star.” I could imagine people whispering about me and making fun of me. My thoughts were tired of running. Sooner or later, I doze off to sleep. 

Waking up, I find myself reaching for air. Was I dreaming? My memory was fuzzy, but I recall running to the gymnasium in an attempt to chase after someone. I found what I was looking for in the gym backstage and had a conversation with them. “You’re enough.” The figure told me. I couldn't tell who or what it was, since it was only a glowing, tiny, yellow orb. “Just enjoy it. Everything will be alright. You’re not competing with anyone but yourself.” Afterwards, the mysterious figure floated towards the front stage, so I followed it. As I enter, I get blinded by the bright stage lights. While shielding my eyes from the light with my hand, I saw a microphone set up at the center of the stage with my guitar placed on a stand beside it. I pick up my guitar and hang the strap over my left shoulder. In doing so, I receive a warm applause from the audience. Then, as I was about to reach for the mic, everything started fading to black. Those were the events I can remember from my dream.

 My brain cells did their best to process what had just happened. I dreamt of performing? What or who was that orb and why was I chasing after it? I thought I gave up on the talent show, but why did I dream of walking onstage? I tried to stand up from my bed and go towards the mirror. I ask the person facing back what was the reason behind joining the talent show? I immediately signed up, but was there a purpose to it? All I wanted was to have fun. I begin laughing at myself. Maybe I worried too much.  I guess I admired the students who were practicing yesterday so much that I wanted to be just like them. Now that I was out of my own head, I excitedly started to get ready for the big day. 

My heart is pounding, not from nervousness, but from excitement. I am backstage right now, and am about to go on to add the final performance of the night. Everyone before me did so well. I didn’t care anymore if I screwed up or made a mistake or didn’t win. I just want to show to everyone and to myself what I can do and what I have achieved this week. “May I now call on Estelle West, our final performer of the day.” After the announcement, I walk on stage, and get greeted by a warm welcome of applause. I truly missed this feeling. Once they stopped, I took a deep breath and began.  

Some things just, some things just make sense and one of those is you and I.

Some things just, some things just make sense and even after all this time,

I’m into you, baby, not a day goes by that I’m not into you.

As the crowd eagerly watched, I felt like I was flying. This has got to be the best day of my life. I even hit the high note! By the time the last chorus hit, I realized that it was ending. Can’t I do this forever? Now was not the time to be disheartened. Giving it my all, I sang as loud as I could and strummed to my heart’s content. Right now, it felt as if electric currents were shooting across my body. I was running out of energy, but the euphoria of performing gave me the fuel to keep going. At the end of my performance, I catch my breath, feeling so tired, but knowing it paid off. Not a single mistake was made. I was able to hit every note, press every string, and make every move just as I rehearsed, if not better in my opinion. After bowing at the center of the platform, I receive a standing ovation. I couldn’t help but sneak a smile. This was my favorite performance to date. When the announcement of the performers came, I came in third place. I didn’t feel bad at all. The band I encountered were the ones who won first place, and the highschool dance group went in second. They were extremely talented. Was their placement a coincidence? Probably fate. I guess seeing them sparked some inspiration and unconsciously made me aware of what to improve on in my performance. I silently thanked them as we all walked back on the stage for a picture.

Saturday, 11th of December.

Canis Major, it’s here!

I was so focused on the talent show the whole week, I forgot to do my daily routine of checking the stars at night. The sky was so beautiful tonight. No more clouds covered the configurations of the stars above. And tonight, I'm able to see not only Sirius, but the whole constellation it belonged to. Looking back, I remember thinking last Sunday that I wanted to be the brightest star in the night sky, but maybe, it wasn’t so important after all. It may be nice to stand out and have the spotlight, however, in the end, you are still a star. It doesn’t change nor define who you are. People around the world see stars every night, but not the same ones. Even if you don’t give out so much light, there will still be people who’ll admire you and won’t look down on you. If you feel like you are too far from earth to be seen, one day, an astronomer will surely find you and make a great discovery. Stars are not just amazing because they're admired by many, they are amazing because they exist at all. Research says that most of the elements that make up the human body were made in a star. Therefore, it wouldn’t be a metaphor to say that everyone, including you and I, is a star. 

This week has been a total rollercoaster, but I learned some valuable things about myself and how I should approach things moving forward. Last night, while I laid on my bed, I thought about my dream. I realized that the glowing orb speaking to me was none other than myself. Deep down, a flame in me still believed in myself, but I chose to extinguish it with negative thoughts. I ponder that maybe, if I was Estelle one week ago, she probably wouldn’t have performed again after this talent show – knowing that someone else obtained first place. But today, Estelle is different. I came to understand that you are truly your greatest enemy. Sometimes, we become too hard on ourselves because we fail to meet our own expectations. Often, those expectations are higher than what we are truly capable of, since we always compare ourselves to others. 

We are all different, and we should accept that. But we must keep in mind that everyone who is succeeding in life started from the bottom. People who seem greater than us have once been in our position before. Those people who seem better than us most likely have more experience than we do, and some are simply just more naturally talented. Yes, it is normal to be discouraged, but it does not mean we should give up and stop improving, because, one day, you might regret everything you have missed out on if you tried. It’s also okay to have insecurities! You’re not the only one who has them; we all do. It may take some time to build up the courage to deal with our insecurities, but through small steps, the day will arrive where we come to accept all of ourselves and embrace non-comparison. Remember to not set boundaries and limits for yourself, and don’t let others hold you back. Keep moving forward and growing. Don’t waste your time on overthinking and worrying over things you cannot change. Even if you aren’t Sirius or the Sun, keep your light shining no matter how small it may be, for the time will come when others will need that light, and you will become the brightest star to them in their eyes.

—

Words by Martina Guidote, Copy Edited by Jacob Tambunting & Macy Castañeda Lee

Photo by Macy Castañeda Lee