The Ropes: Allowing yourself to feel | by Teresa de los Reyes

I haven’t moved forward,
Progressed, 
Forgotten, 
No matter how much I want to, 
I can’t 
It’s a rope holding me back
Tying me to: 
My past, 
My mistakes, 
The old me. 
I tell the rope to untie me, 
Set me free
Allow me to move on 

“Move on Teresa” 
Away from everything
The trauma, 
The pain, 
The hurt, 
The sadness, 
The anxiety. 
Each a rope holding me
Strangled
Tight 
Seemingly impossible to get out of 

Sometimes, I break free
Release myself 
Moving away from everything
As I walk around the world freely, I feel enlightened
Like a new person,
Reborn 
A pep to my step
It’s here, I learned to love me again 

It comes rushing back 
The ropes
I can feel the tightness on me
On my wrists, 
On my waist, 
On my feet, 
But most importantly on my heart
It’s constricting. 
I can’t breathe 
I’m stuck again
“Here we go again”, I say

I hate myself for doing this 
I tied my own ropes
Walked back to them 
Sprinted even 
Why do I constantly allow myself to go back to the pain I think I’ve moved on from? 
Am I weak?
What about me allows the pain to come back? 
Aren’t I supposed to be free, 
Enlightened,
Reborn?
Where is the pep to my step? 
Where did all those feelings go? 
They seem so far away,
Unreachable

It’s like I’m experiencing everything once again 
Rushing towards me 
Pushing me to the floor
Where only thuds of me falling can be heard
I’m back in the dark hole with the ropes
Will I ever escape again? 
Why does this time feel harder? 
Am I weaker now? 

Then, after all the question you hear it, 
A voice
A light illuminating in your pit of self-loathing 
It begins to speak, 

“

you hate yourself,
You hate your pain, 
You hate your sadness, 
You hate your anxiety, 
You hate all that you feel. 
But no matter what you do you can’t escape. 
What if you don’t need to escape? 
At least not forever
The ropes are there until you are ready.
Ready to be free,
Released. 
They are ready for when you return
Returning isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 
Sometimes, we need to return to our past to fully enjoy our future. 
We need to feel again,
To remember. 
The ropes, they allow you to do that.
The ropes, breaking free of them,  and returning, 
Only show how strong you are
For acknowledging 
Fighting 
And pushing through

” 

You begin to see clearer, 
The ropes are less painful
The redness and blisters disappear
You are being reborn again
Only this time, 
You can come back to the ropes
You can come back to your pain

Accepting is equally as important as Letting go
So allow yourself to feel,
To hurt.

My journey with mental health hasn’t always been easy. Looking back, there seems to be an infinite number of bad days. My journey has been filled with locking my heart and myself up. I get angry and I disappoint myself when I feel like I’m back in this cycle again. As I’ve spent all this time reflecting on the early mornings, I’ve realized that the pain will be a part of me. It’s time I accept that and begin to accept myself. Saying all this, I haven't fully been able to do that. I haven’t accepted Teresa yet. But Teresa isn’t Teresa without her personality as much as she isn’t Teresa without her anxiety and hurt. 

Writing this piece has made it easier to remember that like our car rides, we stop, break down, rest and then begin to drive again. In remembering, we begin to see our whole journey. Yes, we remember the pain and the hurt. But we must also remember that there was laughter, smiles, strength and a fighting spirit. We should also remember the good moments. The moments that have pushed us to go further and allowed us to feel anything but the hurt. In our journey, we are faced with new people, new experiences, and new accomplishments. 

We won’t always move forward but we choose to continue. Every day is an accomplishment, thank yourself for that. Our journey has made us stronger even if it doesn’t always feel like it. No matter what others or you may say, the ropes don’t always have to be tight. The ropes, they aren’t always there to restrain you. Sometimes, the ropes are there to remind you how strong you’ve become and how strong you can get. 

Photo from You Belong by Morgan Harper Nichols