To Love. or to Not Love | by Andee Bautista
SCENE 1: INT. BLACK BOX THEATRE - STAGE AREA
There is a performance going on, and it starts like this: two people are sitting away from each other, facing their respective audiences but not the center. Their expressions say everything: they are not happy. There is silence for a while, but not for long. Suddenly, there is an intake of breath, and the audience awaits the confrontation.
PERSON A
Can’t we — can’t we fix this? I— I know that I’ve made mistakes but can’t we — y’know — talk? About it? About this?
PERSON B
‘Mistakes.’ How generous of you. You hurt me. Don’t you get it? How unforgivable that is? Just say it, you don’t care at all.
PERSON A
I never meant to hurt you. And — I care, I always have. But you’re in as much fault as I am. You never even try to listen —
PERSON B
Me? You’re blaming me? I have my reasons for reacting the way I do, and I don’t see you respecting it.
PERSON A
I’m sorry —
PERSON B
You’re sorry? As if that means anything. What, are you expecting me to apologise too?
The rest of the scene goes on; neither party backs down. Their arguments are getting more heated, but they are getting tired with each barbed point. At last, they fall into a quiet.
PERSON B
You know what? I can’t be bothered anymore.
PERSON B stands. PERSON A does not move, and only watches as they leave.
FADE OUT
SCENE 2: INT. MUSIC ROOM
PERSON A sits in front of a CD PLAYER in the corner of the room. They are surrounded by dozens and dozens of other CDs that have been lovingly played by other people. However, they are toying with a CD they know well, contemplating on listening. After a moment, they do.
NARRATOR
Isn’t there something about relationships that really tells us something about human nature? We can’t really live alone, it seems. There are people in the world that become your friend, your lover, your family, or your acquaintance, all by the nature of talking to and getting to know them better, spending a long time with them.
The CD plays; the opening song is comforting. PERSON A begins to relax, and then—
EEEEEEEaaaAAAAuuuueeeAAA. It skids. The chorus repeats. And repeats. And repeats.
NARRATOR
There are times though, when friendships just aren’t really meant to work out. Something doesn’t really make sense.
It’s a mistake, but PERSON A remains seated, unmoving. Maybe they don’t want to.
PERSON A
I’m sure it’ll sort itself out soon.
Everyone is puzzled. PERSON A tries again.
PERSON A
It’s always been like this. I don’t think there’s anything wrong.
But PERSON A does know there’s something wrong, because they know what the music is supposed to sound like but something is holding them back.
They’ve collected all these other great CDs and records but they really want to like this one and yet there’s something wrong. The jacket is plain, the trackset is missing, and most important of all, it’s skidding and not playing music. Compared to other CDs, you might be compelled. A little spicy mystery!
But it’s hard to convince yourself to give up on it when you’re deeply into the hope that it could be better. When you’ve heard it’s music before. When you’re sure it’s just a temporary thing.
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE 3: EXT. THE OCEAN — OVERCAST
The ocean is restless, waves rumbling into the shore before it returns into where it belonged. PERSON A stands off to the side, watching. Waiting.
PERSON A
It wasn’t always like this. It was really nice at first. Calm.
PERSON A spent a lot of time at the beach. No matter the weather, they were there. The waves — gentle disturbances that they’d once thought of things that will pass — grow larger, more rough. Demanding. Stormy skies had taken over, and it was the first time they started thinking that they didn’t want to face the waves anymore.
NARRATOR
It’s understandable, though. Wanting to stay.
Almost as if they heard, PERSON A starts speaking. The waves get stronger, the roar crescendoing as the time passes.
PERSON A
I couldn’t tell… if I wanted to stay because we’ve been friends for so long. It’s hard, because I wanted to think — I just wanted to understand. That they have their reasons. (beat) It would’ve been fine — no, great, even — if we worked it out. Talked about it. Maybe we would’ve understood each other better.
NARRATOR
But if you can’t, they might just end up taking more than you can give, or you’re giving more than you could afford to.
Before you know it, you find yourself being ignored for another weekend for the third time in a month. You’ve tried talking about it but your heart and mind start telling you to stop because you’re getting scared. You’re not happy, because it feels like you’re walking on eggshells when you know you shouldn’t be, and yet you are and you feel guilty about it.
The waves get more powerful, almost angry as they crash into the shore. Salty sea spray goes everywhere.
How did it come to this? One day it was clear sunny skies and the next — well. You don’t know what’s happening. There’s an unfamiliar anxiety because something has changed, it wasn’t supposed to be this way, and for some reason there’s nothing you can do to change it.
A wave builds in the distance, and comes closer and closer to the shore. Before it crashes, PERSON A closes their eyes.
CUT TO
SCENE 4: INT. BLACK BOX THEATRE — STAGE AREA
PERSON A is alone on-stage. The performance has ended, but PERSON B still has not returned. PERSON A looks frustrated. The NARRATOR steps out from the shadows and takes a seat. Like before, there’s a moment of silence before the breath of performance. This time, there is no audience, so it comes as a tired sigh.
PERSON A
It’s really hard, you know? Friends for — what, eight? — years and then it’s gone just like that?
NARRATOR
Well, we’re not here to tell you what to do. We’re here to say that these things take time.
PERSON A
But I don’t want it to take time. Can’t I be okay already? Can’t I stop being sad and thinking about them? Can’t I stop hurting?
NARRATOR
You will. You definitely will. But hurts can last. Sometimes it leaves scars and pains. Even if it heals, it might not be completely dulled. (beat) The important thing is: it’s not permanent.
PERSON A
Should it hurt this much? I thought friendship — love — (beat) I thought it would be easy.
NARRATOR
It could be, but not always. Sometimes you feel like you love them to the depths of the earth and sometimes you’d question why you were friends in the first place.
It’s quiet, for a while. PERSON A looks contemplative as they consider.
NARRATOR
Answer this, then. If you had the chance to talk. Make it up. Would you regret it? Is it worth the hurt you have right now? If, or when, it passes, will you regret weathering through all this?
PERSON A opens their mouth to answer.
CUT TO
SCENE 5: EXT. BLACK BOX THEATRE ENTRANCE — DAY
When time has passed and you think you’ve healed, you’re going to have some weird thoughts. You’re going to be really angry with your friend and how they treated you, and you’re going to say that you deserved better. You’re going to get very bitter, get a little bit sad (but you won’t admit it).
So, maybe they were toxic. But you were happy too, once. They made you smile, they made your day. They also tried, for you.
PERSON A
It could have gone so much better. There were so many ways it could’ve happened. (beat)
Maybe that’s the thing that hurts the most. Maybe — I wanted a reason. To hate them. To never think of them as good ever again. (beat)
But memories are memories, and I have both good and bad. It’s a bit disingenuous to say that I don’t have mixed feelings about it at all.
That’s reality. Sometimes, love just doesn't work out. You’ve been hurt by them, and you feel like you want to forget their entire existence because you don’t want to remember that they made you happy too. But these things can coexist, painful as it can sound like.
There’s always more love in the world than not. It doesn’t seem like it sometimes, but love keeps the world moving, no matter how disagreeable the world as a whole looks.
There are millions of people. There are more kinds of personalities. Kindness and love, they seem so small sometimes, but there are far more of them than what most people think or expect.
FIN.
Photo courtesy of Valeriia Miller, @iyamiphotography on instagram