Courage Rises: The Poem & The Story | by Macy Lee

Martinez, Northern California

December 2, 2020. 7:13 AM. 

Amtrak, 2nd Floor. On the way to San Francisco 

HEALING

Preface this: 

Mom, it's dark 

There are no strings to pull 

Darkness consumes the marshes 

What will happen to the water? 

I do not want to sink 

Look, she said: 

Courage rises.

The sky turned pink, the day was brighter 

Saltwater marshes turned to grass 

Uplifting. 

Where is this from? 

This is a miracle. 

Courage rises. 

This is not a miracle. 

The sun said hello 

Its sacrifice sufficed 

The oblation of one saves thousands of others 

Edify upliftment 

Love echoes, birds fly

Courage rises 

Envoi this: 

Mom, it will be dark again 

But 

I do not want to sink 

Love echoes, birds fly

Courage rises. 

“Preface this:”

I wrote courage rises on my way to a consulate appointment I had at the Philippine embassy in San Francisco. It was my first time riding the Amtrak and I was ecstatic - trains are my favorite mode of transportation. I was going to get my passport renewed. I was more than excited to visit a place that had a semblance of what it was like to be back home. 

I went on the second floor of the Amtrak because I wanted a better view of the sunrise. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am not a morning person, hence this was a rare occurrence and served as an opportunity for me to witness the grandeur of a California sunrise. There was no one in the train. I had the whole place to myself and it was wonderful. I stretched my legs out to the seat opposite of me and started taking pictures of the sunrise. 

After around 30 minutes from Davis, the train reached Martinez where the view featured a serene view of a marsh. The sun rose with all its splendor and glory copiously because of the parallel efficacy of the water. I loved it so much. It made me feel an extortionate amount of emotions and thoughts. Prior the train ride, I was worrying about how I was going to pay rent for the rest of the school year, how I can apply for an SSN on time for a new job, my grandma who has Parkinson’s disease and was struggling, how my brother back home was doing, among a whole catalog of other things. Worry consumed my mind almost all the time, but when I witnessed the sun rise, it made me feel like it was giving me a commiseration. It’s that rising action that reminded me of kindness, reflective of the people that loved me the most and stuck with me. Rising to help others, making yourself rise by helping others. 

I had my handy wide ruled notebook I always brought everywhere, and started writing out all of the things I was currently feeling. It was a collection of my acquiescence of salutations from the sun. It really gave a noteworthy performance that morning, even when it eventually receded once the train reached the Berkeley station and marshes were no longer seen. “Thank you, sun” I thought, “Thank you.” 

My 2020 was filled with different kinds of battles with the mind. This past year really tested me and my decisions, and also challenged my integrity & patience to its full extent. But one thing that I was really assessed on was the courage I had to bring through adversity. Having consistent mental strength throughout the year was considerably hard to maintain, but rewarding and fulfilling in every sense of the word. I have been through so many changes these past few months within myself, discovering more about who I was and who I wanted to be. Courage rises is representative of what it means to do things beyond yourself, to have the want to overcome obstacles to learn and proactively change for the better. It is reflective of the people around you that you are unknowingly aware of helping you every single day. Courage rises is also a reminder that the pain you are experiencing is nothing compared to the joy that is coming. 

“What will happen to the water? I do not want to sink”

SEXUALITY

I struggled in the beginning of the year trying to grasp and comprehend my sexuality. I was terribly confused with my emotions and what I was feeling towards certain people. The idea of love was incredibly hard to navigate for me and I was also very scared of any form of emotional intimacy. When I fully realized I liked a girl romantically for the first time, I was scared of what other people would think of me, especially my parents. But going out of my shell slowly and gaining the confidence to embrace who I am unapologetically helped me conquer so many other internal struggles. Surprisingly, I was fully supported by my friends and family as a bisexual. Additionally, I’ve also had a lot of insight and learnings when it came to romantic love. Through my experiences I have learned what it takes to be in a serious relationship with someone, how to know if someone truly cares for you, and how to know the difference between falling in love with someone and falling in love with the idea of someone. Navigating our emotional maturity in love can seem so cheesy and easily invalidated at this age but I feel like things like these are important to learn at any age. Don’t get me wrong, even with all the countless advice given to me from family and friends regarding love, I feel like I’m still doing poorly in this area. Right now, I really really like this guy but I honestly don’t know what to do about it and that’s okay. It’s part of growing up, and I’m ready to learn more about it as time goes by. 

QUARANTINE

When the pandemic began in March, I went to my cousin’s house and lived in San Diego. My initial plan was to spend spring break there for a week, but it evolved into a really meaningful 6 months. In full honesty, living with my cousin was intimidating for me because we weren’t really that close but she was someone I really wanted to get closer to. I’ve always looked up to her as she was one of the people who sparked my interest in mental health through her work as a special ed teacher. She was one of the first people in my family who explicitly showed their love and care for my older brother through pure inclusivity. I’m really glad she allowed me to stay with her family the whole of quarantine. I had the golden opportunity of witnessing her family’s resilience and it’s one of the greatest gifts I’ve had this year. However, one of the things I’ve struggled with in the early days of the pandemic was trying to keep freshman year friendships alive during online school. I had so much anxiousness over my control and influence I had on the people I’ve spent time with. I had no idea why I had this preconceived notion spending an excessive amount of time with someone equated to real, genuine friendships. I always forget that friendship is a two way street. Friendship is a two way street. 

AMBITION

I missed home so much, but I sacrificed being here to pursue more summer school subjects to claim my Psychology major and to stay to become a Resident Advisor (RA) in the dorms that gave students free housing. I was extremely excited to become an RA and to get back to Davis. When I arrived in September, I was ecstatic to see my friends again and to meet my residents. I was so motivated and moved. Unfortunately by mid October I was fired from the position because of unclear guidelines put in place and because of a third party. (I wrote more about this in my previous entry, please feel free to click here to read more about it!) 

QUESTIONS

Being homeless and losing my job really put me in the biggest slump I’ve been in all year, and I’ve been struggling since then to find a sense of belonging. I started questioning what home is and where home was in Davis for me. I lived in my friend’s apartment the following two months and slept on a very thin cushion that I used in my old bed in the dorms. The question I asked myself often during that time was “what is it like to sleep on a normal bed again?” Anywho, my friends were very kind and I had a good support system but eventually I had to find an apartment myself. In the beginning of December I found a random apartment with other undergraduate students through a mutual friend. Living with people you don’t know is hard and it really took a toll on me. I found myself more anxious than ever before because I had to move to another place and readjust again. My mind was flooded with nothing but worry and endless questions on what my next move or plan was. How do I make myself feel better or happy again? But I was so tired of trying to find solutions to these never ending questions, and found myself extremely numb. The first week of my moving into this new apartment was terrible. I didn’t take care of myself properly. I dove deep into pure neglect. I didn’t eat for three days straight, didn’t bother taking a shower, and just did everything I could in my power to continue school. It was so hard to reach out and ask for help from my peers because I was scared they were going through their own issues too. I knew people around me that were having a hard time already, and I just felt so bad because I felt like I emotionally relied on so many people that I was easily disappointed when they couldn’t comply with what I wanted them to do. But at the same time, I needed that kind of support from literally anyone. I felt like I was drowning. There are no exact words to describe it really, but that’s how it felt like. 

Eventually, I went back on my feet and told myself that I was going to take care of myself physically and mentally again and that I was done moping around feeling sorry for what I was going through. Before I left for my cousin’s house for Christmas break, I still found myself asking what it was like to sleep on a normal bed again. The room I got in the apartment I rented out for December still had the bed of my roommate. She had already left for Christmas break, so I took the opportunity to sleep in her bed that one night. It was very bold and mischievous of me, but in that moment I did not give a care in the world. I remember staring back down at the small cushion I had been sleeping on on the floor and thanking it for giving me all the comfort it had tried to give me these past 3 months. I cried a little that night because I felt like what it was like to sleep on a normal bed again. 

PHYSICAL SUFFERING 

This month I found out that my grandma back home and one of my uncles here in Southern California are going through a lot with their health right now. My grandma has Parkinson’s and can’t walk, sometimes showing no appetite at all. My uncle got paralyzed and couldn’t walk anymore, and still had to go through chemotherapy. I called my mom a couple of times when she was with my grandma to check up on her. On Christmas day, I visited my cousin to check up on how he was doing despite his dad isolated in the ICU. I felt a clear void with both of these encounters but so much strength and faith at the same time. Why does suffering exist? That’s something I still question today. I have so much respect for my family and the willpower they have to keep on going. 

ISOLATED MELANCHOLY

Another thing I really wanted to write about was my experiences alone. This isn’t really something I struggled with like my aforementioned points but I just wanted to end with this because as normal as it is spending most of your time alone living away from home, there’s something truly melancholic about it. I get a bittersweet feeling at the pit of my stomach whenever I spend full days by myself. I usually spend those days going to the grocery, walking at a nearby park to go on a study break, and bike rides to anywhere near my apartment. I’m happy I’m here, I’m blessed to be here, and I love where I am but simultaneously I question what it would be like if my parents were here with me at this moment. I question what it would have been like if I had the opportunity to go back home and see them again. I sometimes cannot comprehend that the two people I love the most are thousands of miles away from me, and that I haven’t seen them in more than a year. For what? Is what I’m doing worth it? I hope so. It should be, right? 

“The oblation of one saves thousands of others.”

I think this is my way of explaining why I always vividly share my insights and why you should in your own way too. We will never ever walk in life alone. Please find comfort in the very fact that people’s experiences, no matter how different or extreme, exist to teach us the many ways in which we can live out life. Life in its very form can be pursued and lived fully in various ways. The methods in which we can reform our own realities are endless. Expression is just one of the many ways to explore life, its plethora of ideas, and the ways in which we can be of service to people through our words or actions. 

One of my favorite authors, JD Salinger once wrote: "An artist's only concern is to shoot for some kind of perfection and on his own terms, and not anyone else's.” Salinger reminds me of my own goal of perfection, which is to genuinely live a life of love. 

For someone who has struggled to speak and find voice in the entirety of her own existence, I hope that this semblance of my life was able to give you any ounce of courage to rise above whatever it is that you are going through.