My Apologies | by Teresa Delos Reyes
I’m sorry to the people I love
I’m sorry that you have to deal with me.
Loving me comes with a multitude of things.
The constant questions:
“Are we okay?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Do you still love me?”
“Are you mad?”
I scrutinize every little thing in our relationship.
The way you responded, did the wording or tone seem off?
Were you different today?
Why didn’t you pick up the phone?
I feel the need to always check up on you.
“Have you eaten today?”
“Are you in pain?”
I’m sorry if it’s annoying.
I’m sorry that I don't always open up.
There are things in the past that hold me back
It’s locked away,
Buried somewhere deep,
I hope someday, it will be found again
I know I can trust you, so why is it so hard?
I have so many walls that you have to break through
I’m sorry if I give up sometimes.
I’m sorry if you get tired.
I’m sorry if I give you pain and headaches.
I sincerely apologise.
Loving me is difficult.
So thank you for continuing to love me even with my anxiety.
I apologize to myself
I’m sorry that I feel the need to apologize when there isn’t one.
I’m sorry that I hate when I ask questions.
I’m sorry that I beat myself up and feel like everything is my fault.
I’m sorry that I think everything I do is wrong
I’m sorry that I act this way
I’m sorry for the anxiety attacks,
The ringing in your ear,
The dark vision,
The shaky hands,
The tears.
It’s easy to pick ourselves apart.
The way we walk,
The way we talk,
How we deal with situations.
Every insecurity, every flaw, every action
It’s easier to hate the fact that you have anxiety than to deal with it.
You have to stop feeling like you need to apologize, no matter how hard this may be
You are the way you are.
The people who love you, love you for you.
They will continue to love you everyday.
Anxiety is a part of you.
But it will never define you.
These people have chosen to love you even with your anxiety
Maybe it’s time you love yourself with anxiety too.