Dear Reader, Please Keep Going. (Typhoon Ulysses, My Experience with Homelessness, Recovering from Anxiety Attacks) | by Macy Lee

Dear reader, please keep on going.

I understand that this is a very hard time for everyone, myself included. These past few months have been extremely overwhelming and I have also seen that same struggle with everyone around me. Everyone is going through their own battles, so let’s try our best to find clarity within ourselves and treat people with as much kindness as we can.

I want to share with you all my learnings and insight these past few months, because I think every human experience has some form of learning value. I also love doing this, being vulnerable through writing is just something that helps me process my emotions better. I think that’s really why I would always make a little reflection blog in Talang Dalisay and My State of Mind every now and then.

I’ve taken a break from doing any kind of org work for a few weeks for personal reasons which I’ll explain later on. I’ve also been performing poorly at school, and declining in any interest to get involved or do most kinds of extracurricular activities. I’ve definitely reached an all time low this year. But even then, I’m doing my best to get back up and move forward. You should too, if you’re ever feeling the same. I’ll tell you a bit of why this is happening and I hope you find some semblance of comfort in my story.

I’ve been mentally off a lot this year. That’s pretty much an understatement. I think it’s mainly because I’ve been far from home long enough. I haven’t seen my family since December last year (2019), and as often as my family and I call on Facebook I genuinely believe that not seeing them in person has somewhat affected me at the back of my mind. I’m still here in California because I study and work here, and going home had a lot of repercussions with that. I miss my family a lot.

I felt extremely complacent when they announced for us freshmen to move out of the dorms last March. Being isolated away from the fresh friendships I’ve made in my freshman year felt wrong to me. I felt like I was robbed. Then I also had the dilemma of going home or not going home. I had endless discussions with my parents on this and what was best for my education. I had three jobs on campus the following year, one of which was a Resident Advisor position (where they made us live in the dorms with the freshmen, this gave me free housing and food for the whole year). This particular job made me want to stay in the country, so I could save my I-20 student status for the next year. My anxiety started coming back again, but after more conversations with my parents we had a decision. I stayed. I was worried on how I was going to do online school for spring quarter of last year, but I chose to live with my cousin and spend the next few months there.

I have a great support system here. I’m lucky to have extended family in the state. I lived with my cousin Sherry and her wonderful family in San Diego for half a year, while visiting some of my other second cousins around Southern California. The past six months living with my cousin was great. I am happy I made that choice with my parents to live with her. She and her husband Ferdie cared and nurtured me to the best of their abilities, while balancing being parents of two boys. They definitely helped me felt very at home those past months.

In the summer before moving back to my school, the government announced a sudden shift for international students’ status of possibly being deported. This was all because of the online classes that would threaten our I-20 status. My anxiety started coming back again, but I tried to redirect it by being proactive instead: making a petition and telling higher ups in my university about the situation. It all worked out and the government took it back, and I was still set on spending the next school year with more ease and flexibility.

When I came back on campus fall of this year, things were going pretty smoothly until I was fired out of my Resident Advisor job. Like what I said before, this job gave me free housing and food, which was one of the reasons why I stayed here in this country. It helped me a lot with my schooling as well. If you were wondering why I was fired, it was all because of a third party that took videos from my social media during my 19th birthday with the concern that I was partying and that I wasn’t being a good role model or whatnot. For the record, I was getting tested at least once every single week and the friends that I was with in this small celebration were one of the only friends I’ve visited since the beginning of the year. We were also 5 people, with me the only person not residing in their household. To put simply, the whole situation was blown out of proportion. I understand what they mean, but I was not taken care of properly and neglected being pushed to move out of my dorm room in less than 2 days.

I was absolutely devastated because the whole situation screamed homelessness. I had the biggest anxiety attack after that call since I was 15. I felt terrible, but mostly ashamed. I was ashamed of telling my parents and the rest of my family how careless I was to post on social media. While I do recognize that this situation was out of my control, I still fully blamed myself and beat myself up. I couldn’t study or do anything at all for a week, and just felt so alone.

I’m technically still homeless as I write this article, dear reader. But I am blessed to be in such an amazing college community that has done nothing but help me with my situation. The amount of people that have helped me with this situation was insane. I cannot fathom and possibly express the gratefulness I have in my heart for the people that have donated, checked up on me, and helped me move forward. My professors were thankfully very understanding and also helped me catch up with school, and my best group of friends took me in their home temporarily and have been helping me cope with the many menaces life threw at me.

In all honesty, I still experienced more personal issues other than my homelessness during that time. I went into a whole black hole of existentialism too. I had a very melancholic and empty feeling at the pit of my stomach all the time. It was terrible. I talked about my anxiety in an Instagram takeover I did for @kidsforkidsph recently and mentioned that my anxiety was synonymous of that of a teacup ride at Disneyland. It was never ending and severely fast paced. I really thought I was over all of my anxiousness since 4 years ago, but it came back and I was genuinely worried on how I was going to cope.

I called my mom and really talked to my mom for the first time outside my friends’ apartment at 2:30 in the morning. I didn’t like the idea of adding to my friends’ problems plus they were having a really good night, so I went outside to call my mom. I did cry since getting fired, but not enough. I cried heavy that morning, and just let it all out. It felt so so good to just cry about everything and anything with someone you trust with your whole heart. My mom is literally a thousand miles away from me, but she just sat there and watched me cry. She gave me time to cry. She understood that letting it all out is the way to go. It comforted me. (This is your reminder, if you need to just cry it out please do. Normalize crying!) After talking to my mom, I felt like I was home again. She gave me the reassurance that all things truly do happen for a reason. She reminded me to preface that all of these collective experiences shape us to become better human beings to ourselves and other people. I needed that reminder, and I am so glad she gave it to me that night.

After slowly getting back to being motivated again, I remembered my parents and I hanging out at Union Square in San Francisco all of a sudden. There was nothing that triggered it, and was simply a random memory. I’ve always wanted to go back to that city, so last Saturday I took a trip by myself and brought my mom along with me. I video called her in the same spot we were two years ago, and went window shopping at a Zara and Urban Outfitters like what we did before. I felt like I was with her. It was amazing.

Before I left San Francisco, I made a pit stop to Chinatown where a lovely man gave me free crystals and told me to continue being courageous and to let off any negativity I had in my system. He said that out of nowhere. Not so sure why I wanted to share that with you all, but it spoke to me I guess. The universe looks out for you in so many ways.

I came back to my friends’ house late at night that day. I was physically tired but mentally recharged. I felt like myself again. I felt like my true self after a very long time, and it felt so good. I felt like I was ready to jump into being more proactive and actually being a good and studious student again.

That little trip gave me a lot of perspective. Being in the city and just seeing so many people around you is a great reminder of how not alone you are. You are never alone, literally and figuratively. We are all going through the exact same path of life. Sometimes I think to myself how unfair it is that we don’t get to meet all the people in the world. The people in your life, the ones you like and dislike, are all there to help you. We’re all here to collectively help each other. We all teach each other pertinent lessons we can’t find elsewhere, and it’s up to us to really ruminate on that. It’s hard to do that sometimes especially when you have an influx of all kinds emotions. Give yourself time to process them, reflect and don’t stop reflecting, and you’re going somewhere.

One thing I like about adversity is its resistance to stagnancy in all forms. Adversity never makes you the same person, and it’s really up to you to use it to your advantage to make you better.

Taking time to internalize on my situation for a while was also healthy for me because I think it helped me prepare mentally better with responding to other social issues that happened in my communities. When I heard about the recent typhoon in the Philippines, I was absolutely devastated. I am shocked and deeply concerned with the recent turn of events. I have seen so much uncertainty in people’s situations and have witnessed a plethora of problems with respect to attaining basic needs. It’s crazy that this natural disaster is happening at an already unprecedented time with the coronavirus. Our team at Talang Dalisay are doing what we can to make sure your mental health is prioritized with an upcoming online wellness accessibility project coming up soon. We have posted free mental health resources on our social medias that you can share, and are planning to launch free webinars that can help people get back on track with their lives. We will also be endorsing ongoing donation drives that are transparent and proactive.

I think typhoon Ulysses is just another reminder for us Filipinos to embrace our sense of “bayanihan” as much as ever. It amazes me how much young people as well are really chipping in on their personal money to help the grassroots as compared to the government or other self renowned figures. The whole thing reminded me of how my peers in college actively donated to me to help me find stable housing. People kept on going for me, and it reminded me to keep on going for myself.

So dear reader, please keep going. Recognize that you are worthy and have so much joy waiting for you on the other side. Recognize as well that your journey and efforts to overcome everyday difficulty will serve as an even bigger reminder for someone else to do the same. This has been an extremely hard time for almost everyone in the world, but turning it around starting with ourselves is the only way to go.

My thoughts, prayers, time, and energy will be spent trying to help people in the Philippines, my team, my family regarding the typhoon and also my team at My State of Mind to cope with post elections.

I wanted to take time to also thank my teams at Talang Dalisay and My State of Mind for empathizing and caring for my during my personal turbulence. I am blessed beyond words to continue to work with all of you until now. I am very thankful, I appreciate all of you immensely.

Again dear reader, please keep going. I know how hard it is to go through so much at whatever point in your life. I assure you, it will get better. Please live vicariously through my story and find comfort in the fact that you will never walk alone. Please take care of yourself and check up on other people too. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, dear reader. You can do it. You will conquer.

Sending love and light to you and your family!

Sincerely,

Macy Lee