Stones Left Unturned by Cassandra Pauline Garcia
Faster.
Be smarter.
Be better than the rest.
You’re accepted if you’re the best.
A mantra I tell myself with each passing day.
A mantra I was programmed to say.
A mantra that forced me to move forward.
A mantra that I hated word per word.
I didn’t want to be like this.
Sprinting, as if nothing’s amiss.
Jumping from stone to stone,
Leading to the non-existent throne.
Everything was sunny at first.
As a kid, my joy-filled heart was about to burst.
An innocence that colored the world,
Faded and into a bloody arena it turned.
I was then faced with millions of boulders.
All to step, to sprint, or to skip, I just needed to crossover.
Eyes fixated on the goal.
Unconsciously trading everything for success, even my own soul.
Kids who were once my playmates turned foe.
All because I wanted to fit the status quo.
An idea drilled into my head by taunting voices—
Voices that ripped me off of my choices.
But I was too naive to even notice,
That this was all just one big hocus-pocus.
So I keep on running, n kilometers per hour,
Paid no heed to exhaustion, expression turning sour.
I tell myself, there will be much more awaiting me at the end.
So I keep going, not minding those who stand—
Stand still while looking around, fresh smiles on their faces.
Journeying through life at their own steady paces.
I scoff at their ignorance,
And wonder how they can display such impotence,
So openly, without care?
Vicious looks, judging eyes, how can they bear?
Nonetheless, I continue.
For acceptance and success, I’ve already traded my youth.
Smooth skin, wrinkling; colored hair, fading to gray.
Signs that time is being taken away.
Yet I jump over to the next stone and the one after.
Gathering all the energy I can muster.
Abusing my mind and body,
With stress and ambition leaving me with nobody.
Until on the cold stone, I collapse,
My heart—regret enwraps.
For I, who has gone ahead most of my peers,
Am alone succumbing to fear, drowning in tears.
Before I drew the last breath, I see,
Those “fools” as I made them out to be,
Still with smiles on their faces—not an ounce of regret,
Such good lives they must have led.
I look back to how I spent my life,
Just to realize I didn’t have much on my archive.
Little to no fun and happy memories.
Just, reminders of stress and anxieties.
Regret starts eating me whole.
How could I have been such a fool?
How did I let this happen?
How did I let my youth be taken?
The fun events, relationships, and friends, I could have made,
Had I just left my time to fate.
Had I learned that there was no throne, no competition,
That it was a free world, I could have acted of my own volition.
As I feel my heartbeat slowing,
I took one last look around the arena I’d been imagining.
Instead of the bloody and gore-y picture I have always seen.
I saw such a tranquil and heartwarming scene.
I laughed at my naivety,
And cried at how I spent this life wastefully.
Millions of could-haves and should-have-beens,
But the thread of my life is now dangerously thin.
I swear that in my next life, I will think things through.
I will not let society diminish my value.
I swear that in my next life, I will be wiser.
A kinder and happier path I will take on, I won’t falter.
I will be more intent to be my own person,
I will enjoy and bask in each passing season.
Joy and purpose in life, I will find,
With this new mantra in mind.
Have fun.
Don’t run.
Life is not a race nor a war.
Stay true to who you are.
—
Words by Cassandra Pauline Garcia, Copy Edited by Jacob Tambunting
Photo by Macy Castañeda Lee
