Allegra’s Great Escape by Sofia Acorda
Years later, as she stood in front of the crowd, she was forced to remember one of the most terrifying moments of her life.
MAY 2013
Rrrring! Rrrring! Rrrring!
The alarm was relentless, so she forced herself to wake up. She struggled to open her eyes; eyelids heavy and mind still half-asleep. From the window next to her bed, she saw the sun starting to rise behind the redwood trees. The sun shone on her messy brown hair, and with it, so did her eyes at the sight of a calm morning. Every day at 6 in the morning, she woke up to this view, yet she never, not once, got tired of it. She sat upright on her bed, and stayed that way. It was dark and it was awfully quiet, both inside and outside her room. Young Allegra lived alone; she had her golden retriever, Mr. Darcy, with her, but other than him, she didn’t live with anyone.
For quite some time, she silently stared at her peeling blue brocade-patterned wallpaper, then at her pile of clothes on the floor, then at her ceiling (which she had almost mistaken for an evil Spider-Man’s lair, filled with cobwebs), and finally, at Mr. Darcy, who peacefully slept at the foot of Allegra’s bed. She observed her room a bit more, and noticed that from the corner of her room, where her bed was situated, she could see everything. Shortly after, she realized how unbelievably untidy it was. Pieces of her life scattered all over the floor for the entire world to see. She didn’t like that one bit, so she knew what her next project would be: fixing her room. That would mean going out to buy the materials and supplies she needed. She was excited to finally get her room fixed, but she had one problem– she hated leaving her house more than anything in the world.
Ever since she was a young girl, Allegra had a grave fear of leaving her home. She had no idea why, she just did. Lucky for her, she lived in a home where her family loved and understood each other dearly, so no one ever questioned her behavior. Nobody really cared except for her. She cared a lot. On the rare occasion that she goes outside, she takes extreme caution. Extreme. She tries to not make much contact with others, she tries to do her errands as quickly as possible, and she has a specific way of doing everything. Some say she’s afraid of many things because she’s watched too many movies, while others say it’s her friends’ influence. No one actually knows, and that’s completely alright. She may have been scared of many things, but her room was not one of them. It was Allegra’s safe space, but it was hard to call it “safe” when there were things crawling out of places they shouldn’t, so cleaning her room was inevitable. The thought of having to be around a great number of people outside for a period of time sent shivers down her spine; she needed a plan. An amazing-master-foolproof plan.
It was 7 o’ clock in the morning when she finally gathered up the strength to get out of bed. She was greeted by Mr. Darcy and the soft jingle of the bell on his collar, who gave Allegra a warm smile before he headed back to sleep. As per usual, she felt the temperature of her body drop as she set her feet on the chilly floor. Afraid to catch a cold, she hurriedly ran towards her drawers and put on a pair of socks. They were red and green, just in time for Christmas. While she freshened up, she made sure that every single aspect of her trip outside would be planned carefully. “10 minutes at the gas station, 5 minute bathroom break,” she mumbled to herself as she splashed her face with cold water. “I should be home in about an hour or two. Okay. Not so bad, Allegra. Not bad at all.”
She carefully went down the stairs, each creak of the floor seemingly sounding louder than the last. Once she reached the final step, she sat down on it and put her shoes on. She stood up and turned to her right, where she found her keys and bag. She looked around her home, with the sun shining brightly through the windows, wondering if she had forgotten anything else. There was nothing left. Nothing left to do but step outside. She felt sweat drip down her head as her knees weakened at the sight of her door. Slowly but surely, she approached it. She observed its cracks and creases, the scratches Mr. Darcy made on it, the missing varnish on parts of the door; she wrapped her fingers around the doorknob. Allegra’s front door was finally open.
Faintly, she could hear the pants of Mr. Darcy. She turned around and blew him a kiss goodbye, “I’ll be back soon, Darcy. It shouldn’t take too long.” The door behind her was now closed. She was now on her front porch, just right before the stairs leading to the pathway that led to her front yard. She went down the stairs, and got inside her car. “This is good! This is great. What am I even worried about? I’ll be back home before I know it,” she thought to herself as she started the car. Her first objective was to get coffee at the coffee shop a few minutes from her house. From there, she had everything planned out perfectly. She was doing great! She did great. It was going completely fine up until the words “coffee” and “shop” popped into her brain. She suddenly remembered something. Something horrible.
AUGUST 2001
It was her freshman year in college. A youthful 18-year-old Allegra and her best friend Carol walked into a coffee shop that felt like a fireplace – warm and cozy. This is what she would have imagined the inside of a Willow tree would look like. It was modern, but not so much that it wasn’t timeless. Everywhere she looked, she saw people her age, possibly from her school too. Oddly, it felt like a high school cafeteria. The cheerleaders and athletes sat next to each other, the poor biology students clustered together in one corner (if she remembered correctly, they were trying to understand the Krebs Cycle), and the grad students sat silently, enjoying themselves and their coffee. Allegra and Carol had lined up to give their orders. As Allegra hesitantly said her order, Carol had already made at least five new friends. As was always that way with them, the introvert and extrovert were best friends; the both of them liked that they weren’t like each other. It’s what made their friendship last. Once they finished paying and ordering their drinks, they sat down at a table on an elevated platform next to the window, just behind the cheerleaders and athletes. It was just getting coffee, nothing could go wrong.
“One cappuccino for Carol and one iced latte for Allegra!” called the barista. Allegra insisted on getting both the drinks, so she went to do that. She shyly smiled and thanked the barista, who gently handed her their orders on a tray. It smelled absolutely wonderful. Allegra was extremely excited to taste the coffee – a bit too excited. On the way to Carol, she missed a step on the stairs. She fell. “Oh my, Ally (Carol’s nickname for Allegra). Are you okay?” She felt her entire body ache. The leg on which she fell hurt like hell. She felt extremely embarrassed. As she felt the coffee drip down her arm, she looked up and smiled weakly at Carol. “I’m okay,” she said softly. But she wasn’t.
Chloe helped her up; she could hear the soft snickering of the kids behind her. She apologized about fifty times to the barista cleaning up the mess she made. Shortly after, Allegra headed to the restroom to tidy herself up. On her way toward it, she avoided eye contact with everyone in the coffee shop. She came in to get coffee, but she ended up embarrassing herself. She never wanted to show her face ever again. Allegra blamed herself for not being careful, even though she was constantly reassured by the barista that people tripping on the stairs happened more than it should. “You should’ve been more cautious. Now look at what happened,” she told her reflection as she desperately tried to get rid of the coffee stain on her shirt. She couldn’t help it, tears were streaming down her face. Once she finally got rid of most of the mess, she exited the restroom, and opened the door to find Carol waiting there for her. “I ordered our drinks again. Don’t worry about it, Ally. Let’s get out of here.”
What would I ever do without you? Allegra thought to herself as she and her best friend walked out of the coffee shop.
Same Day, MAY 2013
Allegra brought herself back to reality after thinking of that moment that made her the way she was now, extremely cautious and tremendously anxious of going outside. She felt her heartbeat quicken and her breaths became shorter. NO. She couldn’t face that again, not a chance. She had this heavy feeling that she couldn’t get rid of, she couldn’t help herself, and she despised herself for that. She could barely bring herself to go outside that day. Just thinking about it made her physically and mentally weak. Whenever this happened, she didn’t feel like herself. She would usually sit it out and the feeling would pass, but for today, that wasn’t enough. She came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, today was not the day for her.
“It’s alright, love. We can take baby steps.” Hearing the voice of her mother in the back of her head calmed her down. It always did. And so, she got out of her car and shamefully walked to her front door. She unlocked the door and crouched down to greet Mr. Darcy. As she pet him, he tilted his head with a confused look on his face. “I know, bud. I know,” Allegra sighed. She took her shoes off and headed upstairs. Once she reached her room, she fell onto her bed and called Carol. She always knew what to say whenever Allegra felt like this. After three or four rings, Carol answered the phone.
“Hey, Ally! Are you doing alright?,” whispered Carol. “Why are we whispering?” replied the other. Carol proceeded to point her camera at her surroundings, she was at a library. She proceeded to nod, which was a signal that Allegra could go on with what she was about to say. “So, I tried to go out today ‘cause I needed to get supplies to fix my room.” “I guess we’re putting an emphasis on the word tried?” said Carol. Allegra nodded in agreement. “Ally, I love you, but I know you can do so much better than that. I’ve seen you do so much already in the past few months. You even went to do the groceries for you and me, for Christ’s sake!” Allegra rolled her eyes. “You can do so much more than you think you can. It’s just that I’m not there to push you,” chuckled Carol. “Seriously though, Ally. Your 30th birthday’s in seven days from now and I need to ask you one question.” “Are you gonna ask me what I want for my birthday?” Allegra said jokingly. “That too, but that’s not what it was. When was the last time you actually had fun when you were outside?”
After an hour or so, the video call between Allegra and Carol ended. As Allegra turned her phone off, she pondered on Carol’s question “When was the last time you actually had fun when you were outside?” The thing is, she couldn’t remember. She only called herself this around Carol, but Allegra gave herself the nickname “The Great Escapist”. After the coffee shop incident, she would almost never attend their get-togethers at school, or even outside of school. There would always be an excuse as to why she couldn’t join. She always found a way to escape plans because she didn’t want people to know that she was simply afraid of going out. Eventually, Carol started using the nickname on her too. They laughed about it a lot when they were in college together; “The Great Escapist strikes again!” they would announce. Although, now that she’s turning thirty, to her, it feels like a completely different story.
To distract herself, she wrote an article for work while eating her lunch and then her dinner after a few hours had passed. It was around 9 in the evening when her train of thought met with Carol’s question once again. As Allegra grew older, she accepted herself for how she was, the same way others have accepted her. But now, she isn’t as comfortable as she was when she was young. When she looked at the mirror, she didn’t like what she saw. She saw a young girl who was afraid to step out of her comfort zone. She felt uncomfortable. She felt as though she was wearing a suit she wanted to get out of, but she couldn’t figure out how to. She thought to herself, “I can’t live like this forever. I don’t want to.” Others may not mind if they had to live the way Allegra did, but she minded. After hours of pondering, she realized that the only person who could help her fully fix and understand her problem was herself.
While she did her night routine, tidying herself up, she thought of trying again. She had a fear of going out, and the only way to get over it is to change her perspective of it. She tried to put a finger on what exactly she was afraid of. It was never the state of being outside, but the possible succeeding embarrassment, injury, and judgment of others. “Okay, good,” Allegra said to herself; she had identified her fear. From there, she can reflect on these fears and learn to understand them intently in order to face them bravely the next day. She sat down on her bed, and invited Mr. Darcy (who was waiting by the doorway) to sit beside her. She grabbed her laptop and looked at different videos and articles that could help her with this fear. She thought that maybe the confirmation that she wasn’t alone would help her realize that her fear was completely valid. After some time, she was prepared to try again the next day. Tomorrow, six days before her 30th birthday, she will face her fear of the world and its unpredictability.
Present Day, 2021
The audience for the book release, intently watching Allegra as she said, “Little did I know, that wouldn’t be the last time I’d try,” said Allegra. “I tried, and I tried, and I tried. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to face my fear before my birthday, but that did not stop me. There is no deadline for you to get rid of your fears. It is important to remember that people travel at different paces. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by people who helped me realize that. Countless sleepless nights, endless tears, and a whole ton of convincing later, I eventually succeeded,” she said triumphantly. She walked across the platform and said, “Let me tell you this, it was not something easy. It’s a journey that I’m still pursuing further until this moment, as I speak to you all here today. Sometimes, the feeling of fear comes back, but now I know for sure that I’ll be able to bounce back,” she said as she sat down on the stool in the middle of the stage.
“I was afraid of uncertainty and unpredictability, but then I realized that these make up a large portion of our lives. I was fearful that maybe, I could die tomorrow if I go out and don’t take precautions. But then, I used this as my motivation to keep on going. I wanted to get out of this cycle I called life, and I did, because I started to understand that within life’s finiteness lies its value and its beauty,” she continued. “We know that we have limited time, so we have to spend it wisely. It’s never too late to ask for help; it is never a sign of weakness. I have moved forward from my fear, but I haven’t abandoned it. To some degree, this is something that will always be a part of me, and I have learned how to accept it. So here I am, 8 years later, Allegra, The Great Escapist. I used to escape the world, but now, I’ve escaped my comfort zone and embraced the unknown with my arms wide open.” The crowd applauded as Allegra concluded her speech and with a sense of accomplishment, she walked down the stage and was met by Carol and her mother’s embrace. And in that moment, she knew that this wasn’t the end of her lost battles, but it wasn't the end of her victories either. It was the end of a great chapter of her life, and now, together with the people she loved, Allegra went on to the next.
Sources Below:
How to overcome fear and anxiety | Mental Health Foundation
What Is Anxiety Disorder? Symptoms, Treatment, Types & Medications (medicinenet.com)
10 Ways To Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone And Overcome Your Fear (lifehack.org)
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/anxiety-what-it-is-what-to-do-2018060113955
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Words by Sofia Acorda, Copy Edited by Jacob Tambunting
Photo by Macy Castañeda Lee
